Most of 2023 was a trial by fire to test my mettle and I’m glad it’s nearly over. Things started out feeling off balance, but that helped me to chart a course into new territory to seek change and growth. I think I did ok. I started to work on finishing my AAS in Horticulture, and I was promoted at my job. I feel more driven than ever, excited by new challenges, and I’ve shed some old skin.

In August I received a set of cards to meditate upon and journal through. They were from the manufacturer of the life-changing medication I’m prescribed for hereditary angioedema that I’ve been taking for 16 months. At the time the box arrived the questions seemed unreal, like a joke, a marketing gimmick, or a skit on SNL—but they weren’t. At first I joked about them at one of my dinners, but now, yes, I must confess, they’ve become helpful.

I really have had a life experience that’s been horrible. It feels like I’m a patient in an Oliver Sacks book. I’m a patient reawakening from a comatose state in the 1990 movie based on his book Awakenings.

Some days back in the beginning of all of this were astoundingly upsetting and I felt terrified and alone in what was happening to me. I remember going to work, going through daily routines, and feeling like I was in the body of someone else. Things I’d tolerated in my daily life were absolutely no longer at all possible to accept as OK. I kept hearing “No!” in my head. At times I felt vulnerable, raw, confused, and misread. I eventually snapped somewhat, but that helped to wake me up even more.

Like the patients in the Oliver Sacks memoir, I live now knowing this sudden awareness of being awake, and healthy, is possible due to a medication. I’m not cured, I’m just free. I’m seizing the chance to live on my own terms, after fundamentally losing a sense of myself for 30 years. I have some personal autonomy for the first time in my adult life. It’s not a lot, but I’m learning what it means.

Looking back, it’s no wonder at all that I created a beautiful garden to live in, to hide in. It has been a gift to myself that’s been immeasurable in its therapeutic value as well as being a tool for me to communicate with others from a place few will personally know until they are much older. There’s beautiful magic in the instinct I had to keep myself connected to the world in the only way I knew going back to my childhood.

My backbone grew back quickly though, and I wanted nothing more than to protect myself. I’ve continued to feel excited about safety and calm. I can still feel that I’m healing and no longer have the thousand-yard stare with a stiff face in photos. (My facial muscles have actually softened.)

Yes, it was time to return to school to finish my second degree, and maybe, just maybe, consider a graduate program. (But that is yet a dream I’m not sure I will be able to reach… For now it’s one goal, and one day, at a time.)

My nervous system had been an alarm going off for nearly 30 years, and suddenly, that alarm went silent. I remember that day, and sitting in a chair thinking, “What am I doing with my life? What have I done to myself?”

My emotional work began here at home with boundaries, working with my husband who is on the spectrum, and it continued from there. Since then I’ve rebuilt my personal boundaries, learning more than I ever wanted to know about them, and I have a great group of friends and family who’ve come to feel like a protective circle around me. They reinforce play, creative efforts, general goodness, encouragement and support. All of this has worked wonders to reset my nervous system and to live a healthier life. On the medical side, my physical therapist has been invaluable as well in this process. It’s complicated to redo after 30 years.

During the last 16 months, a few reactions from others have been unsettling. You learn who your friends are during times like this, and I’ve been surprised by how open other friends have become. People come and go and that’s a fact. It’s brought some pretty joy-filled folks into my life, some serious career-minded ones as well, and through this transition, I’ve also learned how to better manage my time and the energy that I have. I look forward to giving and receiving kindness and living in the NOW.

The people who deserve to be close to us are ALWAYS those whom we can make an agreement with to lift one another up to be our best selves. This doesn’t mean you judge them, or tell them they should or shouldn’t do something. It just means being there for them, listening, and supporting. Your BEING there is enough. My being there shows you I respect you and just as your time and life energy are valuable, mine are too, and it’s important to build that kind of trust and balance with others. It’s life-giving.

This redesign or rebuild had me returning to the time in my life when I became direly ill. This is not uncommon, since we must return to the initial trauma, and until recently, I couldn’t go there because I was still numb to it and had to be in order to survive. I was 18/19 and my adult life was just beginning. I can say now that I honestly died quite a bit as a person in the early 1990s, and am lucky to be alive and reintegrating now.

This process is not easy to write about, but I can do so since it’s been well over a year. Many tears have been shed, and that will continue as I process all kinds of things as I experience them in a healthy way for the first time. I have many who’ve been through this journey with me, and I’ve been researching the process scientifically (note the links I’ve added) so I have the words now to better describe things. But this is a grueling recovery.

I think of it now so often in relation to growing plants in cultivation. I’m just cultivating myself a bit more, and peeking out into the world in my new pink skin. It will get easier.

My apple cart clearly entered into 2023 with some serious damage but it wasn’t completely upset. My medical team began talking to me about what I was experiencing and helped to anchor me. I started by mapping my personal values, and since then, they’ve become a great foundation for decision making.

Clinging to this foundation tightly since last Christmas, I just kept going. Step-by-step, I made choices about who I want to be, and where I want to go. Knowing that at any minute I could lose the expensive medication is absolutely terrifying beyond belief, but this again has played into my decision-making. I’m not wasting any time, and I’m going after anything and everything I can—while I am able-bodied. I embrace being present in the NOW and relish in it.

The moral fabric of my sail really had been torn up. With these repairs, I can set sail again. In part, I had few other options, was self-destructive and careless as I just sat there. Fun broke up the monotony, the constant swelling pain, the frustration, and the twitching anxiety of waiting for another throat swell left me treading water trying not to drown. This is what happens when your body is in distress for decades with little to no relief, and I’ve not even mentioned the nerve damage from back injuries. That is the other layer.

I spent three decades trapped under all of this, and it is no surprise to me that it caused me to struggle in relationships. I struggled in everything. Again, I must credit those I have loved, and who loved me early on in all of this, who have remained supporters. Love conquers all. It’s really true. Those are my people.

My first term back at school is over and I did well—but it’s been funny to go back to “start over” and feel my way through what I need to learn now, dealing with processing emotions as I go along, and what to let go of to keep on track to keep going. Filling in the gaps of what I don’t know has been really fun, but complicated too!! I don’t always know what I don’t know until I sort through feelings.

At school it is time to rebuild into who I know I could be now, but I haven’t been able to be for years. I ended up neglecting my own boundaries and wellbeing, hoping that someone else would help and take care of the situation eventually. But, that didn’t happen. It won’t happen again, that much I can say now.

I know my personal worth, my strengths, and my weaknesses at the end of 2023. I’m not saying I’m entitled to special treatment, or am anywhere near perfect, but when you live with chronic health conditions you need to set limits. I’m no longer willing to get myself into situations that will be high-risk when it comes to my exposure to unhealthy behaviors. And most importantly, I will continue to foster spaces where others feel comfortable. It’s been healing at school to speak up and to support others in classes. It feels like being myself again.

So, here’s a recap of the 6 courses I finished this term, and the kinds of lessons I’ve learned after tying myself to my chair many nights and weekends to plug away at reading, writing, and testing in order to pass with 6 A’s…

Horticulture Practicum/Fall

In this class we alternate week to week. We learn greenhouse skills or landscape skills. We sow seeds, divide plants, and pot things up. We learn how to sharpen and care for tools, and we work with power tools. I’ve learned that my instructors will push me harder, that I enjoy journaling for the class, and it’s ok to be me. I’ve also worked to listen a lot to my classmates as we work. Each week I leave with new things to think about. I add my own work experience stories when necessary. I’m unlearning bad habits I’ve learned at work.

First Aid/CPR/AED

This was my third time being certified, but the first time it wasn’t required for a job. An online course, it felt closer to home as the anonymous individual needing help seemed more real. It reminded me of when I was a caregiver, and it somehow shocks me that I did that job. I’m not as closed off now as I was then.

Horticulture Safety

There are a lot of safety tips I’d not yet learned on the job, and it was a relief to hear how much self-care is emphasized. We were reminded over and over that taking care of ourselves lowers our chances of accidents on the job. An emphasis on ergonomics and awareness in our discussions about self-care and healthy habits was honestly fun. These kinds of discussions regularly in the workplace boost morale and keep employees looking for solutions to increase productivity.

Human Relations in Business

This was the class I struggled with, but I read the entire 400 page textbook, and the self-assessments and final essay helped me to process a great deal about workplace behavior, management styles, and leadership. I learned the areas where I excel, and those where I can make changes in my own management style in the future. Learning about different business structures was also elucidating. The modern style of collaboration is definitely preferred by most employees but it depends upon the company and the tone management wants to take.

Insect Identification

Entomology is one of those areas that I’ve avoided falling into for fear of never emerging. I grew up in the world of fly fishing, and know insects from observation. This class taught me a lot about my instincts, and how they’re good, but that I often lack the words to describe things. That is just how I’ve learned though, and it’s not a bad thing. This helps to create a different perspective on how I see the natural world. As my friend Susan and I discussed, we came to gardening after being raised outdoors, while many of our friends came to the outdoors through gardening. Seeing this more clearly, will help me to speak and write about nature in a more comprehensive and thoughtful way. Also, it turns out, I love Coleoptera.

Weed Identification

This seemed like a fairly straightforward plant ID course until I took into account that our school has a vibrant organic farming program. In addition to naming plants, and getting to know their families, we discussed controlling them. Since I literally work in greenhouses, a location where (according to our greenhouse instructor) there should never be weeds to begin with, EVER, this meant rethinking things. I valued the conversations from those in the group who had farming and land management experience. This class had me looking at the BIG PICTURE.

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And that’s a wrap for 2023!! Next term I’ll be taking fewer courses, so I can get ready for spring at work and travel a bit for some talks and events. I dove in a bit deep this term, and that wasn’t a great idea. More self-care and quality time with friends in the coming months—and more plants!!! Lots of plants!!!