gardening

As this Garden Blog Site Ages, So Too Do I

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The last few months have been ones of personal and professional growth. When this blog began 16 years ago, it was created to connect with the outside world when I was living the life of a shut-in with a cruel medical condition. Unable to work, and barely able to get by financially, it was attention-seeking at times. I needed help, but I’m grateful I wrote here because I met wonderful folks who I’m still close to today.

But since then—especially in the last year—I feel as though things have sped up dramatically as I’ve entered more deeply into the professional world of horticulture. Social Media is not my thing and I know it as Social Marketing more and more now. Yes, I’m late to this realization, but hey, I had other concerns like not having anaphylactic shock and being a skilled caregiver to myself. As I find closure for what I lived through, and better accept who I became (both good and bad), the many layers of my current life continue to topple in on me concurrently as I sort it all out.

It’s time to create my own life—with intent.

When I started this blog, many around me were driven to “get out there” to “be heard” and as the naive dreamer I still am today, when I heard that, some part of me genuinely thought that meant it was about writing—but rarely was that the case. It has almost always been about marketing and readership numbers, selling brands, fads, ads, products and content. I was silly to think otherwise, and it is worse now with all of the never-ending videos.

Of course we all have to make money. Duh.

And in the last year, as I’ve been hired to speak more, I’ve had to think a lot about my own content—and intent. What is it that I do? How do others see me? What is their takeaway as a member of the audience? Am I comfortable? And if not, what can I do to make it better? Who do I want to be?

This has meant better embracing and emphasizing my entertaining and honest characteristics—but I’ve had to reflect a lot upon my message. What do I want to say? What do I want to learn more about?

I’m not selling anything other than my enthusiasm and life experiences at this point. That makes me happy though, and I’ve had to sort through that. I AM a gardening personality and professional horticulturist and that makes me really happy right now. It’s been good just to rest in that.

But what am I proficient in when it comes to gardening and horticulture? In the last few months I’ve finally nailed that down. It’s NOT just what I know, it IS my enthusiasm for the subject. Luckily, I do know a lot about growing crops as a professional, and how plants end up in the marketplace. I am also enthusiastic about the community of horticulturists I’ve surrounded myself with—this is my blue collar dream of sorts. Funny I never knew I had one, but I do care a lot about different aspects of the industry—especially small businesses. We all now have access to information at our fingertips, too much so, and while we need help with some problem-solving, many of us still are just trying to connect and to feel a sense of place and belonging.

As a speaker, I want you to feel like you’re part of something bigger, something that matters, and that won’t speak down to you or make you feel like less. I’m part of the natural world, and so are you, and so is everyone. Money and status will not make you MORE connected to that which you already belong to…nature does NOT care about experts and their expertise. There is no ownership of anything in the natural world other than your own life experience.

Many people will sell expertise though, and for some things, that’s great! I’m just not that person though, and I believe we all have a stake and ownership in this place we call home. I don’t think that message comes across often enough though. It’s my enthusiasm that saved my own life and got me through unbearable circumstances. I’m happy to share that with others, and am grateful for the opportunities I’ve had.

Turns out I’m heard a lot more than I realized—and I’m only learning now how to appreciate it. The people who work behind the scenes, both in leadership and labor, read my posts—more than I’d been aware. My realization over the years that I’m not a garden designer, or a landscape architect, and that I can openly express that I don’t have an interest in the privilege or lifestyle of elite gardening has been a freeing experience. I cannot afford that way of seeing or being, and my raison d’être is to explore and travel my own way, and on my own terms. I’m not fundraising, and I’m not seeking clients. I’m only able to travel thanks to airline miles I gather while shopping for everyday items, because of cheap motels/hotels where I often share beds with my friends who split the cost of gas. Sometimes I sleep on floors, or blowup mattresses like I did recently in Philadelphia. If I’m ever offered a guest bed in a private room that’s manna from heaven—unless your home is heavily scented with fragrances and I struggle to breathe all night.

For me, my best plant trips are always roadtrips where I’m free to roam on my own, to explore historic gardens, country roads, and open ditches. I will never be able to afford one of the fancy trips to Europe so often advertised by local, regional, and national garden groups—not unless I’m paid to be a guide. But how can someone like me do so while doing what I do? So instead, I focus on what I CAN do, and what I CAN afford, and whether my acquaintances who run these kinds of groups realize it or not, that’s how you lose someone like me from your organization. There are A LOT of folks like me too. I think maybe y’all should start a different group or a travel agency. I’m here for the plants and it hurts to be reminded regularly that I cannot afford things. I don’t want to pay annual dues for that, and prefer to stick with plant societies where I can really nerd out.

So it’s funny to finally realize this, but my way of being with plants is actually more accessible in its lack of glamour than I had realized. I’ve come to embrace this fact, that I’m not an example of a privileged life in the garden, and that what I do, and what I have, is attainable. I don’t want to be exclusive, and I find time and time again, that exclusivity harms others. My message has always been, and will continue to be, DON’T HARM OTHERS, WELCOME OTHERS WHO ARE NOT LIKE YOU, GIVE OF YOURSELF, MAKE YOURSELF UNCOMFORTABLE, and DON’T TALK SH*T. (I know. The ancient Greeks would be really proud of that last one.)

I’d rather spend my days inspiring than aspiring. Even if I only inspire myself enough just to get up the next day to keep going, that is enough.

The world of “Garden Information” is likely not changing as much as I feel it is, but from where I sit, it feels like it. For decades we enjoyed a wide availability of many special things, and it’s funny how I find myself missing unusual perennials that were once more easily found where I live. Quirky little backwater nurseries are fewer and fewer as land becomes more expensive. If I hadn’t become so ill, it’s clear to my family and I that I would have started a nursery back in the 1990s, but that is not going to happen now that I’m just about 50, and have decided to work for others.

It was nice having others move to this region, finding more affordable land, growing was their passion, many of us learned so much, and communities were created to share knowledge, some great books were written, but now it’s a global thing. I find more and more people speaking about global plant issues, but that too is not accessible to many.

I feel like this a big shift in garden information, as has been the ongoing disagreements between various scientists, botanists, ecologists, designers, influencers and horticulturists. If you want to find the hotbed, this is where to look. It’s all about information, and how it is controlled. This is storytelling in the Age of Misinformation, and it has to be wrestled through match by match.

With the internet, there is easier access, and a ready audience. I think overall, I’ve met many scientists who do not appreciate how others outside of the scientific world reinterpret their studies and findings in non-scientific ways. We all have biases though, so when a designer or landscape architect is using these things to sell clients on their products (aka designs), that can really upset the scientists since it looks like the monetization of their work. This kind of tinkering and tampering causes disruptions in the record. Who truly owns any of this though? I’m just an observer, and have been watching this unfold for the last few years. The world is smaller now. There is less wilderness for all of us to dream about, to conquer in order to write our own narrative upon it, so, here were are… We’re stuck with less space, and more time with one another.

The world is feeling more and more like a family vacation in a station wagon in the 1970s.

So I keep thinking about what this means to me going forward, and how can I remain healthy and happy?

Ever the optimist I’m hoping that this will mean the continuation of gardening in smaller spaces, dealing with the normalization of smaller homes, community gardens, and more investment in urban greenspaces. I hope we can work to create more public garden space for future generations to enjoy, and I hope my own region learns to better understand and appreciate professional horticulturists and gardeners—but, there will still be a lot of disagreements.

So I will accept myself as I am, doing what I enjoy, feeding my own curiosity, while not trying to be someone I’m not. Over the last decade, I’ve definitely felt pushed to act differently than I am, and after years of that, it’s funny how one day you can wake up and no longer recognize yourself.

I am not a collector of rare and special plants. I say this because I remain a seed starter. I love all of the plants. I started out this way because it was what I could afford. I don’t think I will ever have that dream of an efficient greenhouse, or even a second home, where I can dabble in being a gentlewoman with the image of status. I represent those saddled with great debt, brought on by living in a society that pretends people like me don’t exist. Social media is nauseating to me currently. I’m very tired of being punched in the face over and over with aspirational gardening content when I’m worried about buying groceries and medication. If I end up with a great plant, it’s usually a division or a gift. I’m very grateful for these signs of friendship and hope to perform more of them as acts of kindness in the future.

I don’t learn much visiting the gardens of the wealthy and privileged unless they’re historic and public. This is a personal choice at this point and maybe I am an ass, but this is a statement thought through for months about how I want to spend my precious free time. Years of disappointing conversations amongst we, the hoi polloi, after seeing such places just doesn’t pique my interest. I cannot stand the judgements and opinions that seem cruel. Seeing any garden, one-on-one, no matter what the size, no matter what the income, fascinates. I love gardeners and their love of plants, and gardens of all shapes and sizes but I think now I especially love PUBLIC GARDENS and the communities that support and give them life.

So I will continue to post, but I will continue to seek out the balance I need to keep my involvement in anything online healthy. It’s not easy though when the people who enjoy to read your posts the most, are the ones who appreciate your critical voice. It’s nice to know I say the things that so many others are afraid to say. It is always an exercise in putting my neck out, and it costs me a lot in terms of how I feel doing it, but I thank all of you for the private messages. You’ve all helped me to become a better me, and many of you have become friends.

And to those who don’t appreciate my message, I’m happy to say that after this year, and after meeting many others through my recent travels, I am read, I am appreciated, and I am terrified of being seen because of your criticisms—but I will persist.

Lastly, I want to encourage any and all of you to be open and honest and don’t waste your time on things (like online content) that does NOT make you feel healthy. Align your life with your values and surround yourself with others who support and validate who you are, what you’ve worked hard for, and what you believe in.

Lessons Learned: Fall Term 2023 DONE✔️

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Before the cold temps took away my summer garden.

Most of 2023 was a trial by fire to test my mettle and I’m glad it’s nearly over. Things started out feeling off balance, but that helped me to chart a course into new territory to seek change and growth. I think I did ok. I started to work on finishing my AAS in Horticulture, and I was promoted at my job. I feel more driven than ever, excited by new challenges, and I’ve shed some old skin.

The Seed Studio—my workspace.

In August I received a set of cards to meditate upon and journal through. They were from the manufacturer of the life-changing medication I’m prescribed for hereditary angioedema that I’ve been taking for 16 months. At the time the box arrived the questions seemed unreal, like a joke, a marketing gimmick, or a skit on SNL—but they weren’t. At first I joked about them at one of my dinners, but now, yes, I must confess, they’ve become helpful.

I really have had a life experience that’s been horrible. It feels like I’m a patient in an Oliver Sacks book. I’m a patient reawakening from a comatose state in the 1990 movie based on his book Awakenings.

Some days back in the beginning of all of this were astoundingly upsetting and I felt terrified and alone in what was happening to me. I remember going to work, going through daily routines, and feeling like I was in the body of someone else. Things I’d tolerated in my daily life were absolutely no longer at all possible to accept as OK. I kept hearing “No!” in my head. At times I felt vulnerable, raw, confused, and misread. I eventually snapped somewhat, but that helped to wake me up even more.

Like the patients in the Oliver Sacks memoir, I live now knowing this sudden awareness of being awake, and healthy, is possible due to a medication. I’m not cured, I’m just free. I’m seizing the chance to live on my own terms, after fundamentally losing a sense of myself for 30 years. I have some personal autonomy for the first time in my adult life. It’s not a lot, but I’m learning what it means.

Looking back, it’s no wonder at all that I created a beautiful garden to live in, to hide in. It has been a gift to myself that’s been immeasurable in its therapeutic value as well as being a tool for me to communicate with others from a place few will personally know until they are much older. There’s beautiful magic in the instinct I had to keep myself connected to the world in the only way I knew going back to my childhood.

Home.

My backbone grew back quickly though, and I wanted nothing more than to protect myself. I’ve continued to feel excited about safety and calm. I can still feel that I’m healing and no longer have the thousand-yard stare with a stiff face in photos. (My facial muscles have actually softened.)

Yes, it was time to return to school to finish my second degree, and maybe, just maybe, consider a graduate program. (But that is yet a dream I’m not sure I will be able to reach… For now it’s one goal, and one day, at a time.)

Clackamas Community College.

My nervous system had been an alarm going off for nearly 30 years, and suddenly, that alarm went silent. I remember that day, and sitting in a chair thinking, “What am I doing with my life? What have I done to myself?”

My emotional work began here at home with boundaries, working with my husband who is on the spectrum, and it continued from there. Since then I’ve rebuilt my personal boundaries, learning more than I ever wanted to know about them, and I have a great group of friends and family who’ve come to feel like a protective circle around me. They reinforce play, creative efforts, general goodness, encouragement and support. All of this has worked wonders to reset my nervous system and to live a healthier life. On the medical side, my physical therapist has been invaluable as well in this process. It’s complicated to redo after 30 years.

A Bomarea gifted to me.

During the last 16 months, a few reactions from others have been unsettling. You learn who your friends are during times like this, and I’ve been surprised by how open other friends have become. People come and go and that’s a fact. It’s brought some pretty joy-filled folks into my life, some serious career-minded ones as well, and through this transition, I’ve also learned how to better manage my time and the energy that I have. I look forward to giving and receiving kindness and living in the NOW.

The people who deserve to be close to us are ALWAYS those whom we can make an agreement with to lift one another up to be our best selves. This doesn’t mean you judge them, or tell them they should or shouldn’t do something. It just means being there for them, listening, and supporting. Your BEING there is enough. My being there shows you I respect you and just as your time and life energy are valuable, mine are too, and it’s important to build that kind of trust and balance with others. It’s life-giving.

Poster in the classroom at school.

This redesign or rebuild had me returning to the time in my life when I became direly ill. This is not uncommon, since we must return to the initial trauma, and until recently, I couldn’t go there because I was still numb to it and had to be in order to survive. I was 18/19 and my adult life was just beginning. I can say now that I honestly died quite a bit as a person in the early 1990s, and am lucky to be alive and reintegrating now.

This process is not easy to write about, but I can do so since it’s been well over a year. Many tears have been shed, and that will continue as I process all kinds of things as I experience them in a healthy way for the first time. I have many who’ve been through this journey with me, and I’ve been researching the process scientifically (note the links I’ve added) so I have the words now to better describe things. But this is a grueling recovery.

I think of it now so often in relation to growing plants in cultivation. I’m just cultivating myself a bit more, and peeking out into the world in my new pink skin. It will get easier.

The pizza oven at school.

My apple cart clearly entered into 2023 with some serious damage but it wasn’t completely upset. My medical team began talking to me about what I was experiencing and helped to anchor me. I started by mapping my personal values, and since then, they’ve become a great foundation for decision making.

Making cuttings in class.

Clinging to this foundation tightly since last Christmas, I just kept going. Step-by-step, I made choices about who I want to be, and where I want to go. Knowing that at any minute I could lose the expensive medication is absolutely terrifying beyond belief, but this again has played into my decision-making. I’m not wasting any time, and I’m going after anything and everything I can—while I am able-bodied. I embrace being present in the NOW and relish in it.

The South Garden.

The moral fabric of my sail really had been torn up. With these repairs, I can set sail again. In part, I had few other options, was self-destructive and careless as I just sat there. Fun broke up the monotony, the constant swelling pain, the frustration, and the twitching anxiety of waiting for another throat swell left me treading water trying not to drown. This is what happens when your body is in distress for decades with little to no relief, and I’ve not even mentioned the nerve damage from back injuries. That is the other layer.

I spent three decades trapped under all of this, and it is no surprise to me that it caused me to struggle in relationships. I struggled in everything. Again, I must credit those I have loved, and who loved me early on in all of this, who have remained supporters. Love conquers all. It’s really true. Those are my people.

Classmates find my ever-bubbling enthusiasm for power tools entertaining.

My first term back at school is over and I did well—but it’s been funny to go back to “start over” and feel my way through what I need to learn now, dealing with processing emotions as I go along, and what to let go of to keep on track to keep going. Filling in the gaps of what I don’t know has been really fun, but complicated too!! I don’t always know what I don’t know until I sort through feelings.

Time for the insects…

At school it is time to rebuild into who I know I could be now, but I haven’t been able to be for years. I ended up neglecting my own boundaries and wellbeing, hoping that someone else would help and take care of the situation eventually. But, that didn’t happen. It won’t happen again, that much I can say now.

Serious teamwork here with my classmate Paul. Not perfect, but not bad for our first time.

I know my personal worth, my strengths, and my weaknesses at the end of 2023. I’m not saying I’m entitled to special treatment, or am anywhere near perfect, but when you live with chronic health conditions you need to set limits. I’m no longer willing to get myself into situations that will be high-risk when it comes to my exposure to unhealthy behaviors. And most importantly, I will continue to foster spaces where others feel comfortable. It’s been healing at school to speak up and to support others in classes. It feels like being myself again.

This is a tiny section of a garden area on campus we planted.

So, here’s a recap of the 6 courses I finished this term, and the kinds of lessons I’ve learned after tying myself to my chair many nights and weekends to plug away at reading, writing, and testing in order to pass with 6 A’s…

I picture myself THRIVING and being surrounded by kind and supportive friends who challenge me to grow—instead of challenging who I am.

Horticulture Practicum/Fall

In this class we alternate week to week. We learn greenhouse skills or landscape skills. We sow seeds, divide plants, and pot things up. We learn how to sharpen and care for tools, and we work with power tools. I’ve learned that my instructors will push me harder, that I enjoy journaling for the class, and it’s ok to be me. I’ve also worked to listen a lot to my classmates as we work. Each week I leave with new things to think about. I add my own work experience stories when necessary. I’m unlearning bad habits I’ve learned at work.

First Aid/CPR/AED

This was my third time being certified, but the first time it wasn’t required for a job. An online course, it felt closer to home as the anonymous individual needing help seemed more real. It reminded me of when I was a caregiver, and it somehow shocks me that I did that job. I’m not as closed off now as I was then.

Horticulture Safety

There are a lot of safety tips I’d not yet learned on the job, and it was a relief to hear how much self-care is emphasized. We were reminded over and over that taking care of ourselves lowers our chances of accidents on the job. An emphasis on ergonomics and awareness in our discussions about self-care and healthy habits was honestly fun. These kinds of discussions regularly in the workplace boost morale and keep employees looking for solutions to increase productivity.

Human Relations in Business

This was the class I struggled with, but I read the entire 400 page textbook, and the self-assessments and final essay helped me to process a great deal about workplace behavior, management styles, and leadership. I learned the areas where I excel, and those where I can make changes in my own management style in the future. Learning about different business structures was also elucidating. The modern style of collaboration is definitely preferred by most employees but it depends upon the company and the tone management wants to take.

Insect Identification

Entomology is one of those areas that I’ve avoided falling into for fear of never emerging. I grew up in the world of fly fishing, and know insects from observation. This class taught me a lot about my instincts, and how they’re good, but that I often lack the words to describe things. That is just how I’ve learned though, and it’s not a bad thing. This helps to create a different perspective on how I see the natural world. As my friend Susan and I discussed, we came to gardening after being raised outdoors, while many of our friends came to the outdoors through gardening. Seeing this more clearly, will help me to speak and write about nature in a more comprehensive and thoughtful way. Also, it turns out, I love Coleoptera.

Weed Identification

This seemed like a fairly straightforward plant ID course until I took into account that our school has a vibrant organic farming program. In addition to naming plants, and getting to know their families, we discussed controlling them. Since I literally work in greenhouses, a location where (according to our greenhouse instructor) there should never be weeds to begin with, EVER, this meant rethinking things. I valued the conversations from those in the group who had farming and land management experience. This class had me looking at the BIG PICTURE.

And that’s a wrap for 2023!! Next term I’ll be taking fewer courses, so I can get ready for spring at work and travel a bit for some talks and events. I dove in a bit deep this term, and that wasn’t a great idea. More self-care and quality time with friends in the coming months—and more plants!!! Lots of plants!!!

Last day of class. I made cuccìa for our potluck.