As the days grow darker, I’m retreating into the comforts of home and am nesting more and more in what feels comfortable. I’ve retreated into what some might call my own version of a cloister or maybe even an ivory tower, but in reality, I feel like I never get anything done and am moving very fast through many things.

At home—at Campiello Maurizio—I’m rearranging furniture, and tossing things I no longer need. This is happening physically, metaphorically, and psychologically. Going forward, I’m painting walls and building comfortable areas to share with close friends and family who are showing more that they genuinely care about me, and I can be more free to choose to safely care about them. The goal here is to keep pushing myself to earn and do more. I’m very tired of “just getting by” and being in debt. Chronic health issues are expensive and draining on many fronts, and I know that I deserve more, that I can do more, so I’m huddled down, resting between what I can only call massive efforts, and I’m open to new opportunities even though it’s sometimes scary to me.

The recent promotion to Production Manager at Secret Garden Growers is also just the right fit for me. Limiting myself to one nursery job was a good idea for clarification of purpose, and just to feel more focussed on what matters to me… I want to get nice plants into the hands of gardeners and into gardens as quickly as I can.

It is not easy though to work 30 hours a week at a nursery and with my seeds, then also to go to school at Clackamas Community College. I’m determined though to earn my AAS in Horticulture. Sometimes I think it is a crazy plan, then on other days I feel like I was made to be the ideal nontraditional student.

To make this all work though it means less time for writing, and less time for anything lazy and fun. It means going through a lot of personal growth, pushing myself when it’s very uncomfortable, and learning anything and everything I can. I feel refreshed in my awareness of beginner’s mind daily, and I relish learning what I don’t know yet, and I’m learning a lot for a second or third time.

And like the garden, I will grow better, and more beautifully, with all of this attention to pruning and editing.

Change and growth are beautiful things.