Will Walk for Seeds

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A few weeks ago I attended an event hosted by the¬†The Hardy Plant Society of Oregon¬†entitled “Seed Collecting: Where the Wild Things Grow with Steve Newall”. Reflecting on the experience‚ÄĒthat of meeting and listening to the exploits of a real seed collector and seed grower‚ÄĒhas been good for me.
Sitting down to talk with Steve was really centering for me since due to my current life situation I’ve been a bit uneasy in general. Everything in my life is still swirling around but my love and interest in seeds is always there in the middle of it all. (Imagine my comfort in knowing that seeds are immovable in this windy storm and I cling to them and they make me feel so good. It’s so silly but it’s all true.)
To talk to someone who truly understands me was really¬†soothing during a time in life when there are so few healing balms other than self-inflicted silence and self-discovery. These things might sound great, but when it really matters, and a lot is on the line, there can be a frightening bleakness to the darkness as you sit watching and listening to it while your impatience grows. The seeds that germinate in this darkness are scary to me, but I am patient enough now to sit through the process even if it’s really hard for me to sit still sometimes.
How do you tell the people around you that you want to create a life where you’re able to run off and collect seeds when you feel like it? It’s not like I do this for science! I am an Amateur Bot-ann-ist after all. For me it’s just this compulsion that comes from deep inside that drives me to love seed propagation and I just cannot get enough.
I was told it was, like, a skill. How odd!?!
So seed spotting is now what I jokingly refer to as my super power. Too bad I’m not a super hero though…
Asclepias speciosa seeds I collected last year.

If I could I’d spend all day working and thinking about seeds. How I came to this, I’ll never know. Maybe it’s genetic so I’ll just thank my forefathers and foremothers.

Ricinus communis seeds from Loree over at Danger Garden.
But this past week I had another major HAE swelling attack from all the activity and emotional stuff going on in my life. I anticipated it though because I knew that driving 6 hours by myself was not a great idea‚ÄĒespecially after walking over 20 miles last week.
It made me doubt I could be a seed hunter, but that doubt passed rather quickly and I redoubled my efforts by getting some advice from my chiropractor. I’m now targeting key muscles groups that are weaker than they should be and I’m hoping this will help me to overcome some of the exhaustion I’ve been experiencing. (Never underestimate the pain that can be caused when one group of muscles repeatedly overcompensates for another.)
Staircase at Mount Tabor Park. I trotted up these stairs for the first time last week at a pace I was almost proud of and it felt great.

So during this “rest” week I’ve been sorting and cleaning the house‚ÄĒincluding my workspace‚ÄĒand it’s obvious how strongly I’ve resisted dealing with a lot of my own personal things up until now. I’m grasping them though, both literally and figuratively, and am thinking more and more about seeds as summer has started and there will be more and more of them soon.

As a matter of fact, I’ve already asked one friend to accompany me on a seed collecting trip. I’ve always gone by myself because I haven’t ventured very far into the wild in awhile. I am going to dip my toe into that pool soon. I don’t expect much, but it’s the act itself that’s already beginning to change me.

Lunaria annua might be a weed, but its seedpods will always be a favorite of mine.

There are these little things that are popping up in the darkness inside of me that I’ve been staring into for awhile now. They are sprouting and seeking out the light. My eyes are so sore from starting into the abyss for this long, but I think it’s time for me to sit back and breathe a sigh of relief.

Some of the many stairs in Mount Tabor Park.

I walk now and it’s not about the past so much, it’s about my future. Funny how I see seeds everywhere I go and when I do I always think of hope.

More of the Mount Tabor stairway.
The silence that used to bother me so much is becoming more and more the memory of who I am and who I once was but had forgotten.
Calendula officinalis seeds.

I think of the silence often now that surrounds the life of seeds since the lives of plants are so quiet compared to ours.

So often I meet gardeners who tell me they’re afraid to grow plants from seed because seedlings are so delicate and weak they’re afraid they’ll hurt or kill them.

This always makes me chuckle a little bit.

Aurinia saxatilis seeds.

Yes, the activity¬†might¬†require some patience and careful observation but¬†never¬†underestimate the power of any living plant or animal that wants to survive‚ÄĒand this might also be applicable to some of the people you know in your own life.

Someday it might even apply to you.

Thoughts on My Own Personal Garden Therapy Program and Treatment Plan During Crisis

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Warning: This is a post about a crisis‚ÄĒnot an emergency‚ÄĒand its subject matter concerns¬†living¬†with an illness more than living with plants; but the conclusion will be that no¬†matter¬†what,¬†if¬†you live¬†with an ongoing illness that causes crises (or whatever it is¬†in¬†your case), even when you are¬†a wreck, and¬†you don’t really care as¬†much¬†about¬†your¬†plants as you usually do (or whatever it is for you), that’s ok. So don’t let me‚ÄĒor¬†this¬†post¬†of mine‚ÄĒget you down…I am doing just fine.
Mt. Konocti as seen from Walker Ridge Road in Lake County, CA. If I hadn’t walked up that peak on the left, I probably wouldn’t be here writing this post right now. Do I regret the steep walk uphill? Uhm, HELL NO! I already want to do it again, but with better attention paid to the additional necessary precautions in order to prevent more heath scares.
For some time I’ve been trying to locate and define the line I cross when illness makes my life so difficult that the subjects of gardening and plants cannot immediately resuscitate me. Then, suddenly last week‚ÄĒbut maybe it wasn’t that unexpected‚ÄďI found that line again, and Thud! I was knocked out fair and square by the indwelling opponent I hadn’t really been keeping an eye on recently.
Last week my larynx nearly closed and it was terrifying. Since it had happened in the past I knew what it was and what to do, but I was home alone and terrified. For many with Hereditary Angioedema, this is our worst nightmare and up until only recently, this is how many people died from this disease. What many physicians still do not understand is that this is not an allergic swelling and that what we actually need is not corticosteroids or antihistimines but instead, fresh frozen plasma, or sometimes even more expensive treatments.
That night I faced a difficult decision and worse still was that I was alone. I could stay home and use the old treatment of anabolic steroids, hoping that it would help my body produce more of the C1 complement factor I needed in my blood, or else I could run the risk that my own hospital might actually deny my treatment in the emergency room. Being without my handy advocate, I chose not to attempt to fight the system that evening, and overall, that made me really angry. No one should have to put off potentially lifesaving treatment because they don’t want to argue with an emergency room doctor. You heard me correctly, and yes, this probably does not make sense.
Luckily, the old anabolic treatment kind of worked. I stayed up all night just in case, making sure that the swelling didn’t worsen or spread. If it had, I was committed to calling 911, so I wasn’t being too unreasonable.
Showy Milkweed, Asclepias speciosa. Garden booty from my recent road trip to California.

This experience reminded me that I’ve not yet won the recognition of a diagnosis I’ve lived with for almost 10 years from my own medical insurer, and that’s solely due to the fact of its potential expense. I live knowing that I cannot get the help I need because the quality of my life does not matter as much as their Bottom Line. To say that this is a heavy weight to carry on my back is an understatement. Unbelievable still is that my interest in plants and gardens could paper over the indignity of the healthcare nightmare I am so sick of living.

Many other patients already qualify for brand new expensive treatments that our large advocacy group fought hard for, but as of right now, I still do not qualify. There are several Types of HAE and I have now fallen into the Type III category that’s not only a catchall, but it’s also the least understood group and is currently still more theoretical. So, I wait, and if a study comes up and they need me, I will go, but until then, on paper, my own insurer will not accept the diagnosis. Scientifically, statistically, mathematically, symptomatically, they will only treat me in an emergency room based upon the symptoms as they are observed. To treat me with plasma would open up the door to my petitioning and potentially suing them in order to get special new treatments. This is sick. It is a sick system.
Each year my doctor writes a new letter describing why I need a treatment and why her diagnosis does not fit their criteria. Going to your insurance company repeatedly to ask for help, while being repeatedly denied, is really quite humbling. Even though I am basically too sick to work full-time, I am not ill enough. If I could get treatment, I could actually have some kind of life again. Instead, I am told no, and then am instructed to stick with the old treatment until more research has been completed. I think this round I will dig deeper. I might even fight back.
At least last week I knew exactly what I have, and although it is mysterious, I was informed enough to understand what it was and I can now see how I’d created the perfect storm for a health crisis during my trip to California. When I returned home and noticed I was physically shaking a lot, I knew something was going to happen but I was hoping it wasn’t going to involve my throat.
In the past my doctors and I had discussed a way to try again with the committee and had created a plan to re-petition but it was a long shot. At that time, I gave up because I couldn’t take any more, but I am ready now‚ÄĒeven if it means having to make myself sick again.
Last week’s experience was a tipping point in my life. Seeing massive old growth native Californian oak trees has inspired me to want to see more and I cannot do so unless I seek the medical attention I need to prevent attacks like the one I had. Walking around staring at plants in the wilderness felt more normal to me than anything I’ve felt in ages. For a time, I felt free.
Safflower, Carthamus tinctorius.¬†One of the blooms used in some arrangements I’ve been making this past week.
Luckily, while everything else has recently been a struggle, I have somehow successfully kept up with a daily Ikebana post on the other blog. After weeks of arrangements, I am really satisfied with the piece “Trapped” because it beautifully showed how I was feeling. What it made me realize too was that I needed to write this post. What’s important right now is my own personal growth and rebuilding, the plants that have papered over my frustration can rest a bit, and I will tend to that garden I have inside, just as we all do, and what’s left of the garden and plants I’ve neglected this year can come along with me and we’ll go at it again. Differently.
I don’t want the plants to be papering over anything anymore.
The tide has turned. My weight has shifted. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe.
“My blog will always be primarily about gardening, and my love of seeds and growing¬†
oddball ornamental plants from seed, but today, I wanted to write an illness post because 
if if weren’t for my rare hereditary blood disease, I doubt I ever would have ended up¬†
here and I would have been doing something else.”¬†
One of our hummingbirds striking its best Ikebana pose…